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    Saturday, 4 June 2016

    10 Things No One Tells You About Having a Second Baby

    1. You will forget you're pregnant until week 37. Remember all the things you were consumed with during pregnancy no. 1? The hospital bag, the cute newborn outfits, the Pinterest boards of nursery decorations, the lovely baby shower with the gluten-free mini cupcakes, the prenatal yoga classes and massages to loosen everything up ~just right~? These are all things of the past now, my friend. You will be too busy wiping up the trail of toddler urine on the floor right next to the Goldfish crumbs your firstborn crushed into the carpet to even register that another kid is growing inside of you. When people ask you about your birth plan, you will shrug and say, "I don't care as long as I get Burger King after." And it's a damn fine answer.

    2. You will feel worse than you did the first time around.
    Sure, you're older, which is part of it, because time is a cruel jokester who thinks it's hilarious to add new, weird foot arch pain into the mix. But you're now also chasing around kid no. 1, feeding him, dragging him screaming out of bathtubs, bending down to wipe his butt over and over and over and over — well, you get my point. There is less time to luxuriate in the simple of joy of being pregnant and more time to mutter, "Dear god, my back feels like it's going to split at the seams, please let this be over soo— STOP CLIMBING UP THE BOOK SHELVES RIGHT NOW, GODDAMN IT!"
    10 Things No One Tells You About Having a Second Baby
    3. You will feel guilty. One night, you'll be in the middle of books and songs at bedtime, and then suddenly you're worrying that the second child is somehow going to ruin the first's life, that you're abandoning kid no. 1, that you're destroying the great life you and your family have already. Spoiler alert: You aren't — it's gonna be wonderful! Kid no. 2 is going to add so much delight and joy to everyone's lives! And double the amount of Sharpie scribbles all over your new coffee table, yes. But also — joy!

    4. You will forget how to do all the newborn things. Weird, watery mustard-colored poops. Diaper explosions. That disgusting, dangling belly button scab. Wrangling their oh-so-tiny bodies in the newborn tub as they wail. Getting them to latch onto the boob. Figuring out where all the snaps connect on that godforsaken onesie your best friend gifted you. It wasn't that long ago, but it will feel so foreign.

    5. The same things that sucked before will suck again. Waking up every hour on the hour. Trying to figure out what bottle the baby will take (how do they even know the difference?!). That nightmarish transition out of the swaddle. That awful four-month sleep regression when they abandon those six to eight hours of slumber and stay up all night like a college freshman studying for exams. Sleep training. They were horrible then, they're horrible now, and you can't take naps at 10 in the morning, because your older kid is staring at you, asking for yogurt and another Bubble Guppiesepisode.

    6. You will be 110 percent more chill about everything. You haven't bathed the baby in a week. So what. She hates tummy time and hasn't spent a second on her stomach. No big deal, the kid'll figure out the whole lifting-her-head thing eventually. Also, she spent an hour in the stroller without a blanket, and there was a chill in the air. You are living on the edge — and you just might like it!

    7. New parents will drive you nuts.
    There is nothing more insufferable to a second-time parent than a nervous, overzealous first-timer. Sure, this was you just a few years ago. But now you're aghast that you once posted three separate Facebook status updates asking for recommendations about which organic sleep sack is the most breathable at night. Being a seasoned parent endows you with the great wisdom that none of it matters. But, you know, just don't tell the first-timers that.

    8. Your firstborn might hate you for a little bit. It's inevitable that you and baby no. 2 will be attached at the boob or the bottle. Your oldest child may feel left out or latch onto your spouse and ignore your existence. She may even be down right cruel to you, like a tiny, Cheerio-crumb-covered mean girl. It may even hurt your feelings, but don't worry. Like everything else in the parenting game, this too will pass.

    9. No way are you doing that stupid music class again. The only person who hates that dumb children's music class more than you is your baby. So what if people tell you it's good for their tiny, developing brains hear music. You won't make the same mistake twice! You vow to skip the "Hello Song," and turn on some Beyoncé. Not only is it cheaper, but it's way more fun for you. Slay, mom, slay.

    10. Your kids will entertain each other when they're old enough, and it will make your life so much easier. You know how everyone says screens are the best babysitters? They're lying. Your kids are the best babysitters — for one another. Someday soon, they're going to both get up at 6:45 in the morning, and instead of wailing your name or stomping into your bedroom, they will go wake each other and quietly read books together, allowing you to sleep in — before waking up in a panic at 8 a.m., wondering what the hell happened to them. Relax. Everything you've been doing as a parent has been building to this magnificent moment! Bask in your glory. You've earned it.



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